Have YOU Planned Your Funeral?

For a good time…plan your funeral before you die!

While this article made me laugh from the very headline, the more I read the more I realized how sad it was that entire companies go to some of the lengths they do for people. This world boggles my mind. Not only are people so uncertain about what comes next when they die, but there are services out there that cost tens of thousands of dollars just to have something completely temporary performed on your rotting corpse. (Don’t go there.) Let’s see a few of the options available to the undead:

  • Have your ashes scattered at sea
    This is pretty common, so I’m not going to say much here. I do have to wonder what PETA thinks of this, but hey they get riled over all sorts of things. If I did this I’d definitely have “So long and thanks for all the fish!” etched on my urn. If you’re going to be dumped over the open ocean to be instantly diluted in millions of gallons of salt water, you might as well make someone laugh first.
  • Rebuild Atlantis
    Wow…just, wow. Not only can you be made into a brick, but you can help rebuild a city underwater! (This is for those that want to make sure they sink to the bottom, as opposed to they that chose to be “sprinkled.”) The only problem is…you have to be underwater to see it. Never the less, if you can hold your breath for eternity, this is for you.
  • Go into space
    “Prices start at just $500 for a brief trip into zero gravity and back; $1,300 for an indefinite stay in orbit; or $12,500 to have your ashes sent to the moon—or even into deep space on a spacecraft powered by a solar sail.”
    Can you imagine ordering this for yourself? The phone call would go like this “hi, I’d like to take a trip to the moon…well I’m not sure when, hopefully not right away…no see it’s for my ashes…wow that’s expensive, um how much to just float out there?…uh huh, okay well what about for a quick taste of space and a burnup on re-entry?”
  • Cut glass
    Because nothing is more satisfying than being able to wear a gem made from the ashes of a loved one. (I was going to make a comment about gifts, but I’ll refrain.)
  • Furnish your home for the afterlife
    “CasketFurniture.com, which makes sofas, coffee tables, beds, entertainment centers, and other pieces of furniture that not only look like coffins—they can be converted, upon your death, to hold your remains.”
    This is beyond creepy. THIS IS INSANE. At least the Egyptians had the decency to give them stuff to take with them instead of making them end tables. (“Use a coaster – you’ll leave a ring on what’s-his-name!”) Not only that, but can you imagine trying to bury a couch?

I guess I personally am just not that paranoid or scared about what happens when we die. Sure you can be sad when people leave this rock, but there’s a point where it just gets ridiculous and goes way beyond “honoring their memories” and such. (Don’t even get me started on pet funerals.) When I die I know exactly where I’ll be headed and have no issue with facing that at any moment throughout the years to come. There’s a lot left for me to do on this planet, and I want to help people as much as I can until I’m gone, but I refuse to live in uncertainty to the measure that people in these articles do. If you know what awaits you, why does it matter when it comes or what happens to your body afterwards?

As for the rest – newsflash – you’ll be dead, and you’re not going to care!